5 Love Languages

David and I have been married for three years now, and we've been together for over eight.

There are many things I've learned throughout the past three years in particular, but here is one. 

Love Languages are a real thing.

Everyone expresses and feels love differently. The infamous Five Love Languages are as follows: words of affirmation; acts of service; receiving gifts, quality time; and physical touch. I don't think I fall under any one of these, but I definitely lean towards a few. 

David and I both took the Five Love Languages quiz, and my results were exactly as I'd expect. I learned something new about David though; I had some of his mixed up.

Renee
1. Acts of Service (11)
2. Quality Time (9)
3. Words of Affirmation (7)
4. Receiving Gifts (2)
5. Physical Touch (1)

David
1. Physical Touch (9)
2. Words of Affirmation (8)
3. Quality Time (6)
4. Acts of Service (5)
5. Receiving Gifts (2)

As you can see, our results are very different. 

How does David do with this?
I feel like David has figured this out to a T. For example, every time I'm listing off all the things I have to do in the evening, he is always the first to pick the thing I dislike most and volunteer to do that - this is most often grocery shopping. I despise grocery shopping. Another example is when the other day I was going to make my coffee in the morning, and opened the drawer and noticed David had filled up my coffee bucket. It may sound pathetic, but this simple thing made my day. I was exceedingly grateful that David had noticed the bucket was empty and took a few seconds to fill it up! He is so quick to do what he can to make my life easier; to spend quality time with me instead of busying himself on his phone or with video games; and to fill my ears with words of affirmation daily. He makes it seem so easy...

How do I do with this?
It's hard to admit this, but I struggle with feeding into David's love languages a lot. The way I naturally express love and appreciation is the same way I like to receive it. I will go the extra mile with planning and cooking a meal he'll enjoy. I'll clean the bathroom. I'll fold all the laundry and organize it by the drawers he stores it in (not that he'll ever notice that). I'll ask if we can stay in and play cards or watch a movie instead of going out somewhere we can't spend as much quality time together. 

Physical touch is not very important to me, whereas for David, it's the most important thing. To me it can seem like more of a chore than anything at times, and that can cause me to feel disingenuous about it. I strongly dislike when people aren't genuine, so this can cause me to be even less likely to reciprocate on that back rub. Giving words of affirmation can be difficult for me, as I'm also a very critical person. I think I should be able to say, "Don't you look handsome today!" instead of, "Dear... you need a haircut," or, "did you even look in a mirror this morning?" (It's embarrassing to admit I often catch myself speaking to him like that.) It sounds so simple!

I fear my stubbornness will one day lead to resentment. I fear that if I don't start figuring this out now, I won't be able to recognize the love languages of my future children. 

What can I do?
These are things I've been working on, particularly the past few months. Change is hard for me, but I know that this is worth it. If I want us to be happily married forever, these little acts seem trivial. {Don't think I'm naive enough to think that if we follow these guidelines we will never have difficult times in our marriage. I know that there will be periods where we may wonder if we can make it. There are still many changes coming our way, and our marriage is very young.} I feel that if we're able to work to create positive habits early in our marriage, we can hopefully continue to apply them in the stressful times.

It will have to be a continuous, conscious effort on my part to put my pride aside and go out of my way to make David feel as loved as he is. The inability to do so could cause resentment and anger, which may build up and eventually blow up. Why do I think that would be easier than giving David a back-scratch, or letting him into my "bubble", or telling him I appreciate all his hard work? No good answer for that. It wouldn't be easier. 

Final Thoughts

I'm not sure what prompted me to write about the 5 Love Languages, but writing this post has brought about a lot of self-reflection. Hopefully with some effort and holding each other accountable, David and I can continue to build and strengthen our marriage so we can fight as a team through anything that is thrown our way.

If you're in a relationship, have children, and/or are curious you can take the 5 Love Languages Quiz too! You may just learn something about yourself, your partner, or your children!